I should write on the year. Wrap up 2010. And do many posts on it too because I need more posts under 2010 (as previously mentioned). First of all, this year kicked my butt a little. I started the year excited. School. I loved school! Then I got called to the primary presidency. (That's still a head scratcher.) I was stressed (it doesn't take much) so I dropped the math class. I had this hand pain that made writing a lot difficult too. So I only had the online art class, but I loved it. I finally felt I had direction. I was working toward something. I've had the raising the kids thing going on for years and I really, really love my kids but I needed to go back to school. I've known that for a long time.
So there I was, in school. I had direction, a major in elementary ed., I was being a great example to my kids. To my girls especially. I believe that kids are more successful as adults if they see positive roll models of success in their parents. I love my parents but I didn't have that from them. So I really wanted to be that kind of role model. And don't give me that whole, well being a mom is the most important job there is for a woman. Don't give me that because I KNOW that. At least if you are a mom it is. If you are not then you are just putting down the woman who is not a mom. So I know that and I constantly think about if what I'm doing, whatever I'm doing, is best for my kids. But I wanted to show them I could be successful somewhere else too. I still want to show them that. But I'm a chicken and I worry about a million different things. In the fall I started with three classes and ended up with zero. One was dropped so I could focus on math, which I am scared of. One was dropped because I was annoyed with the teacher and the 800 page book for a two credit class and the fact that I could not get the 800 page book for the two credit class. The whole thing started off badly and it wasn't even because of my own bumbling which believe me happens often enough. So I was down to just the math class and then we found out Isabella has celiac disease and I would have to learn to cook everything without gluten (read: wheat flour). That and I was scared of the class and the teacher didn't know how to teach very well. Psyched out again. So I took the semester off.
Things started out great then suddenly I was back to square one, actually more like square negative ten or something like that. I was unsure of myself, I didn't know if I was doing the right thing with school. I'm still not sure. There were other obstacles too. After a while you begin to wonder, are these obstacles something I'm supposed to be persevering on and fighting my way around? Or are these obstacles telling me to go in another direction? My thoughts were, well screw it all, I'm just going to go get a job at Barnes & Noble. Because I've always sort of wanted to work at Barnes & Noble. But I'm not about to get a job (if they'd have me) at a store that is at least 30 minutes away from my house, depending on the location, just to be paid minimum wage. So I've been thinking, thinking, thinking. I've come up with an idea. I don't know if it is the best idea. I'm beginning to think there is no best idea. I've wondered if it may be settling. But is there really settling or is there just making choices and trying to come up with the choice that makes the most sense? I don't know. The one thing I do know is the biggest reason this is so hard to figure out is because I've got these three young people in my life and how it affects them for the next ten years is of utmost importance to me. Making everything a hundred times more confusing than it would be otherwise. That and money. Money always complicates things too.
2 comments:
Dear, dear Cindy,
It must be a "nearing forty" stage. I remember it all too well. First comes the realization that your children don't need you for their physical needs as much. Second, you are still young and have much to offer. Third, there is the agonizing process of deciding what to do with yourself. I'm sure you have heard this before - but ask yourself what you would do, even if you didn't get paid to do it. That is how I chose teaching. And I actually would forget to pick up my paycheck after I began teaching.
If what you are contemplating has anything to do with the new outfit you got from Brent at Christmas - and if you would do it even if you didn't get paid - then you are onto something. What is especially good is you have Brent's support. I didn't have that support and had to search out ways to accomplish my goals - but it was so worth it.
Are you saying I'm having a mid-life crisis? Ha ha! I will get it figured out sooner or later. And yes, I am very blessed to have a supportive husband. Someone must have raised him up right! :)
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