And...now

Three hours on a heating pad, I'm ready to get up now.

What's that?

I've been feeling crappy about things for a long time. I don't feel like myself enough anymore. I used to be humorous. I was always slightly self-deprecating but still humorous. I miss my old self. Depression sucks and I want it gone. I have chronic pain too. It started about ten years ago, shortly after Noah was born. It wasn't very bad at first but it's gotten worse and worse. It comes and goes. I can control it sometimes with exercise. That is one reason I'm so "religious" about exercising. But sometimes I get injured, for example, right now I'm working through a back injury, and I can't work out like I was and then things go south very quickly. It feels like I have screws in the back of my neck that are being tightened too tightly. It feels like all my joints have been tightened too much with those screws too and everything is all stiffened up. Like when you do tighten screws on something and things get all pulled together unnaturally. There are a bunch of other things too. I spoke with a doctor about it once and just got the line about it being normal as you age. Most people I talk to don't feel like this though. I looked up things on the internet and talked to some people and I've decided to diagnose myself with fibromyalgia. Sure, I should probably tell a doctor about my self diagnosis next time I see one but it doesn't have a cure anyway. It doesn't really have any objective findings for a doctor to measure either, from what I've learned. (Objective findings. See, I have been learning some things at school.) Now that I think about it, I've been to the doctor for a few of the symptoms but haven't talked about the symptoms collectively. I've just discussed foot pain or dizziness or whatever. So I guess I'll tell the doctor what I think next time.So now that I have self diagnosed myself what do I do? I've read about dietary changes so I think I will have to try some of those out. The diet tips have included cut out gluten, sugar, dairy, processed food and nightshade vegetables. Sounds easy..................... I'm being sarcastic of course. I don't know if I can eliminate ALL of that. I could cut out gluten for a while, give that a try. I already do at dinner for the most part. I've got that down because of Isabella's celiac, of course. I could seriously restrict the rest too. So I can try things. I still feel that if I drop twenty pounds it would help.

Maybe I do feel hopeful a little. I can't control any actions but my own. I can sit and do nothing and fail. I can get up and try and hopefully see change. The other issues...I can't control other people. I'm a good person. I'm not a good what the norm is around here but I'm still a good person. If others can't accept me, don't want to accept those who are different, then I can't control that. I shouldn't have to try to be what makes other people happy when it makes me miserable. So there is hope. There is hope and writing still makes me feel better, even if it is cryptic and fishing. Now I'm going to go take some ibuprofen and get busy.

Happy V-Day!

Noah's Valentine box he made for school. Yes, we got the idea from pinterest but he added his own flair (the hands) to make it his own. I think it turned out pretty great!