I grew up just north of white trash. I don't mean some family down the road to the south. Metaphorically. We had a clean house pretty much all the time but we had a lot of dysfunction and problems. I did know my mom loved me. I did know my dad was fine with me. But I didn't know what success looked like. I tried. I got involved in high school. I did track and cross country. At church I didn't mind the talks about modesty and marriage. I was pretty sure there was about a 70% chance I would never get married but I didn't mind the talk about it. It was kind of weird when I first heard my friends tell me the names of all their future children. But it didn't really bother me. The lessons that bothered me were about talents. I didn't know God expected me to be talented. I was not talented, I had zero talents. I was clumsy, I was bad at math, I made stupid mistakes all the time and I would look around and pray that no one saw me making my stupid mistakes.
So I joined the runners. I wasn't good at it but I could put one foot in front of the other and try to move quickly through the course. It was enough to help me feel a little successful. I worked hard in school and joined the honors classes where I helped the kid next to me know he wasn't at the bottom of the class. I did well enough there and earned a tiny scholarship to a tiny school in the middle of nowhere. In the end I didn't use it because I had no money to pay for anything else. So I went to the community college and did okay and transferred to BYU after a year and didn't do okay. It was all right, BYU wasn't really the place for me anyway. I still didn't have any talents. I remember a sort of date I went on where the guy asked me what my talents were. You get the weirdest line of questions from guys at BYU. They need to know right then if you are worth a second date. No time to waste. No flirting for a while with someone you are attracted to and then going out with them. I'm sure it happened, I just didn't see it.
I left BYU with my tail tucked between my legs and went back to community college part time and work full time. There, I did flirt with a guy until we knew we wanted to be together and then we were together for the next 21 years. With a lot of stuff in between and a lot of stuff in the future too, hopefully. But I had my okay, full time job. Unskilled labor that paid the bills. I made enough to live with a roommate, though I didn't do that long. I'd tell people what I did and they would say, "You need to get a life." For real on an internet chat board, in their eyes and tone in person. In my head I was saying things along the lines of how I wasn't a success. I didn't finish college. I didn't have money and my parents would not fill out the financial aid paperwork. I didn't want to go into debt anyway. I'd seen the nightmare that debt can become. We moved about fifteen times when I was growing up. There was a reason for that.
I did get married and I didn't have debt. I had an okay job but no one admired me for my job. But what did that matter? I stayed in school part time. I wanted to go full time and finish. I still hadn't found what I was good at though. More than that though, I wanted to be a mom. That time in life hit. That time where all the voices in your head go silent and what you want more than anything else is to be a mom. So I became a mom. Three times. And I gave up my okay job to be a mom full time. My husband worked hard so I could do that and I still believe it was mostly a good idea for my kids. My kids were most important. But I kept remembering how I didn't graduate. I didn't ever get a real, grownup job. I was conflicted. I got a house and decorated it and fixed it up pretty nice. People admired my skill in interior design. Was it a talent? I started a blog and I could write okay. It made me feel pretty good. Maybe I had something to offer. *Disclosure: when a stay at home mom says she wanted to have something to offer the world she isn't putting down her role as a mom. She knows being a mom is important. I am a mom but I am something else too. I think we all have multiple roles in life and lacking in one doesn't mean you regret the other.*
Back to the blog. I felt I might be good at something. It was a confidence booster. It got me thinking. Thinking about something that I always came back to. I should go back to school. Noah was in kindergarten so I thought it was time. I applied and got in and started in the fall, part time. I loved school but I was still scared. Always scared about something. Was my major right? Would I be able to go full time eventually. The money. Etc, etc. Those were just the small thoughts. Then the bigger obstacles came and I came to a halt. It wasn't going well. I dropped my classes the third semester. I had reasons, some were real, some were excuses. I came to the conclusion that I should go another direction. So I switched to a technical school. I enjoyed it. It wasn't too hard sometimes, and sometimes it was really hard. I'm a bumbler. I'm low on confidence. Hands on stuff doesn't always come easy to me. Sometimes I just want something to come easy to me.
When summer came I changed my hours and then stopped all together. Again, I was running out of steam. Though that isn't why I stopped. I'll be back around the end of the month though. I have to finish but I have a hard time seeing myself finished and actually getting a job. I'm a serial failer and I always wonder if I always will be. But I'm not giving up yet.
So now I have a teenager and I will have two teenagers in another month and a half. I can't separate my feelings for myself from my feelings for them. I've been a horrible example of success. I've been an okay mom, sometimes pretty good and other times pretty bad. Overall I'd say I'm a pretty good mom. But now that they are teenagers- oh the anxiety. Soon I will have to turn them out into the world. How can I believe they can be successful if I have been such a horrible example of success? How do I know they will be okay? They are their own people, they are not me, I know that. Am I vain to believe my own actions will shape their future? I do believe in them. They are smart, brave, beautiful girls with challenges of their own and so much to offer too. But have I given them a foundation so they can find success? I don't know. I've tried to give them opportunities within the bounds of our budget. I constantly feel like I could have done more though. I need to NOT tie them to my own issues. Let them be their own people. I need time to learn this teenager thing. It took time to get every other stage of their growing up down too, so I should believe I can do this. It feels different this time though. It's the finish line for their childhood. My finish line for raising them. I will always be their mom but when they finish high school their choices will become their own. I know all parents worry about their kids but why do I not hear about the things they worry about? I know they are worrying about drugs and sex and the typical teenage pitfalls. Am I alone in my worries? Why do I continue to enter this state of crippling anxiety when everyone else seems to be getting by fine? I know I worry too much, I always have. I need to relax and just love and support them, this I know. I just don't want to screw it up and ruin them. I want them to be better than me. I need to breathe. Breathe.
