The Road to Unsucsessful

I grew up just north of white trash. I don't mean some family down the road to the south. Metaphorically. We had a clean house pretty much all the time but we had a lot of dysfunction and problems. I did know my mom loved me. I did know my dad was fine with me. But I didn't know what success looked like. I tried. I got involved in high school. I did track and cross country. At church I didn't mind the talks about modesty and marriage. I was pretty sure there was about a 70% chance I would never get married but I didn't mind the talk about it. It was kind of weird when I first heard my friends tell me the names of all their future children. But it didn't really bother me. The lessons that bothered me were about talents. I didn't know God expected me to be talented. I was not talented, I had zero talents. I was clumsy, I was bad at math, I made stupid mistakes all the time and I would look around and pray that no one saw me making my stupid mistakes.

So I joined the runners. I wasn't good at it but I could put one foot in front of the other and try to move quickly through the course. It was enough to help me feel a little successful. I worked hard in school and joined the honors classes where I helped the kid next to me know he wasn't at the bottom of the class. I did well enough there and earned a tiny scholarship to a tiny school in the middle of nowhere. In the end I didn't use it because I had no money to pay for anything else. So I went to the community college and did okay and transferred to BYU after a year and didn't do okay. It was all right, BYU wasn't really the place for me anyway. I still didn't have any talents. I remember a sort of date I went on where the guy asked me what my talents were. You get the weirdest line of questions from guys at BYU. They need to know right then if you are worth a second date. No time to waste. No flirting for a while with someone you are attracted to and then going out with them. I'm sure it happened, I just didn't see it.

I left BYU with my tail tucked between my legs and went back to community college part time and work full time. There, I did flirt with a guy until we knew we wanted to be together and then we were together for the next 21 years. With a lot of stuff in between and a lot of stuff in the future too, hopefully. But I had my okay, full time job. Unskilled labor that paid the bills. I made enough to live with a roommate, though I didn't do that long. I'd tell people what I did and they would say, "You need to get a life." For real on an internet chat board, in their eyes and tone in person. In my head I was saying things along the lines of how I wasn't a success. I didn't finish college. I didn't have money and my parents would not fill out the financial aid paperwork. I didn't want to go into debt anyway. I'd seen the nightmare that debt can become. We moved about fifteen times when I was growing up. There was a reason for that.

I did get married and I didn't have debt. I had an okay job but no one admired me for my job. But what did that matter? I stayed in school part time. I wanted to go full time and finish. I still hadn't found what I was good at though. More than that though, I wanted to be a mom. That time in life hit. That time where all the voices in your head go silent and what you want more than anything else is to be a mom. So I became a mom. Three times. And I gave up my okay job to be a mom full time. My husband worked hard so I could do that and I still believe it was mostly a good idea for my kids. My kids were most important. But I kept remembering how I didn't graduate. I didn't ever get a real, grownup job. I was conflicted. I got a house and decorated it and fixed it up pretty nice. People admired my skill in interior design. Was it a talent?  I started a blog and I could write okay. It made me feel pretty good. Maybe I had something to offer. *Disclosure: when a stay at home mom says she wanted to have something to offer the world she isn't putting down her role as a mom. She knows being a mom is important. I am a mom but I am something else too. I think we all have multiple roles in life and lacking in one doesn't mean you regret the other.*

Back to the blog. I felt I might be good at something. It was a confidence booster. It got me thinking. Thinking about something that I always came back to. I should go back to school. Noah was in kindergarten so I thought it was time. I applied and got in and started in the fall, part time. I loved school but I was still scared. Always scared about something. Was my major right? Would I be able to go full time eventually. The money. Etc, etc. Those were just the small thoughts. Then the bigger obstacles came and I came to a halt. It wasn't going well. I dropped my classes the third semester. I had reasons, some were real, some were excuses. I came to the conclusion that I should go another direction. So I switched to a technical school. I enjoyed it. It wasn't too hard sometimes, and sometimes it was really hard. I'm a bumbler. I'm low on confidence. Hands on stuff doesn't always come easy to me. Sometimes I just want something to come easy to me.

When summer came I changed my hours and then stopped all together. Again, I was running out of steam. Though that isn't why I stopped. I'll be back around the end of the month though. I have to finish but I have a hard time seeing myself finished and actually getting a job. I'm a serial failer and I always wonder if I always will be. But I'm not giving up yet.

So now I have a teenager and I will have two teenagers in another month and a half. I can't separate my feelings for myself from my feelings for them. I've been a horrible example of success. I've been an okay mom, sometimes pretty good and other times pretty bad. Overall I'd say I'm a pretty good mom. But now that they are teenagers- oh the anxiety. Soon I will have to turn them out into the world. How can I believe they can be successful if I have been such a horrible example of success? How do I know they will be okay? They are their own people, they are not me, I know that. Am I vain to believe my own actions will shape their future? I do believe in them. They are smart, brave, beautiful girls with challenges of their own and so much to offer too. But have I given them a foundation so they can find success? I don't know. I've tried to give them opportunities within the bounds of our budget. I constantly feel like I could have done more though. I need to NOT tie them to my own issues. Let them be their own people. I need time to learn this teenager thing. It took time to get every other stage of their growing up down too, so I should believe I can do this. It feels different this time though. It's the finish line for their childhood. My finish line for raising them. I will always be their mom but when they finish high school their choices will become their own. I know all parents worry about their kids but why do I not hear about the things they worry about? I know they are worrying about drugs and sex and the typical teenage pitfalls. Am I alone in my worries? Why do I continue to enter this state of crippling anxiety when everyone else seems to be getting by fine? I know I worry too much, I always have. I need to relax and just love and support them, this I know. I just don't want to screw it up and ruin them. I want them to be better than me. I need to breathe. Breathe.

To The Dumb People

I've come to a conclusion after so many years on this planet. Something I've always been afraid of but have just kept from admitting even to myself. I'm dumb. Now I know, nobody likes self deprecation. I don't mean it that way. I think The Dumb may need a voice and I may be just the person to be the voice of The Dumb. Who better than a dumb person herself. How do I know I'm dumb? My first clue should have been that I planted an aspen tree in my front yard. Well not my first clue really because if I'm honest, I have suspected for years. But back to the tree. An aspen tree is a very pretty tree but it shoots up little trees all over your yard and you constantly need to cut the little suckers down unless you want a forest in your front yard. We were warned this would happen but we planted it anyway. Maybe I should have let the forest grow though. I'd have the only one in the neighborhood.

But now you are thinking, Wait Cindy, didn't you just write a blog post on how you like President Obama because of such and such reasons, despite the fact that most of your community disagrees with you? Maybe they disagree because they are smart and you are dumb?! Now I've thought that through already. There are lots of smart democrats/liberals out there: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Noam Chomsky. Okay, I don't really know who Noam Chomsky is. But it sounds like the name of a smart, liberal man. On the conservative side that George Will seems like a pretty sharp guy. There are lots of rednecks though who don't seem like geniuses, so it goes both ways. You can be smart or dumb and it doesn't determine your political ideology so much.

So anyway, back to being dumb. School's hard. I do well on the tests but it's set up in a way where you can do that but not really absorb the knowledge in a sustainable way too much. I'm awkward and mistake ridden and lacking in confidence. I read at a snail's pace. All possible symptoms. Why would I want to admit this to the world? You really do have to be honest with yourself at a certain point. And those two people reading your blog, well they appreciate honesty too, I'm sure. I shouldn't have married. Shouldn't have had kids. I think my kids have a fighting chance still, their dad is smart after all. But maybe it would have been better to let the cycle of dumbness die with me. Survival of the fittest my DNA out of the system, so to speak.

There are lots of dumb people out there. We recognize each other I think. Maybe. I may be too dumb to say for sure. But we should be able to support each other. There should be some sort of Dummies Anonymous. Maybe I can start a group on facebook. A private group where we can lament the fact that we use our fingers to add, can't figure out the proper use of whom, and can't tell if Frodo belongs with Lord of The Rings and Fredo belongs with The Godfather or vice versa. (Maybe that one's just me.)

Why?

"You know, there's a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit - the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us - the child who's hungry, the steelworker who's been laid-off, the family who lost the entire life they built together when the storm came to town. When you think like this - when you choose to broaden your ambit of concern and empathize with the plight of others, whether they are close friends or distant strangers - it becomes harder not to act; harder not to help."

— Barack Obama

My community is full of conservatives who don't get why I am a liberal. Maybe not me specifically, but anyone, really. Why I like our president. This quote pretty much sums it up. Whenever I post something like this, usually on facebook, which I usually regret later, I hear the naysayers in the back of my head. They have an answer for everything. They say, "But we care about the poor and the hungry too. When you force us to help others you take away our free agency. (It's Satan's plan.)" Yes, that's what the conservative voices in my head say. What, you don't have conservative voices in your head? I hear them because that is always the answer I hear or read. But I don't agree with it. I do agree that we should all help those who are less fortunate on our own where we can. But it isn't enough. There aren't enough charity organizations to help all of those uninsured people who get struck down by a disease that costs them thousands of dollars in treatment and causes them to lose their jobs. There aren't enough charitable accounts set up at banks or enough fundraising dinners to cover it all. There aren't enough anonymous donors to help everyone. I don't think it is stealing, I think we have an opportunity to make our society a better place where we all work together in the most expansive way possible to help the most people. No, it's not perfect. There is still a lot of wasted money and bureaucracy that doesn't always get it right but it is the best way we have to help the most people. I do not believe God has a problem with that and I like having a president who understands the problems of the less fortunate, is willing to fight for them and really knows empathy. That is a good thing in my opinion.

 

Psycho Blog

Okay, so if you ever visit my blog shortly after I do an new entry (or 4 or 5) and you see multiple copies of the same pictures in super giant size, there is a reason for this besides I am really bad at this. I probably am really bad at this but there is another reason too. I usually blog on my computer and when I do, the pictures don't always show up so I keep putting them on until they do. I can't see all the weird stuff until later when I go on my laptop and see crazy, giant pictures and sometimes four or five copies of the same giant picture. The pictures are all there, I just can't see them. I can't tell you why this happens but I eventually fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes it is after half a dozen people have stopped by my blog, which may explain why they stuck around in the first place. Hmm.

Biking and Shopping, Shopping and Biking

A few months ago we finally got a grocery store in our town. Now we could shop without driving for ten minutes. I know, that isn't really too far but it is so nice to have a store where we can quickly pick up a few items. For years I've been hoping for the day we would have a grocery store and I could get on my bike when the weather is nice and go shopping. It was a simple dream but simple dreams can be pretty great. So for my birthday Brent got me a cargo trailer and today was the inaugural run!

I love this thing already!

Eating Clean!

So I was watching all of these documentaries a while back that were all about eating clean and healing your body through eating really healthy food. It inspired me! Mostly because I really love crap like that. I should have been some sort of dietician sociologist. Does that exist? So I was trying to eat clean too. I took a bunch of pictures to inspire me to keep eating clean. No, I don't eat great everyday but more often and I've been working out really regularly. I'm starting to see some results and I really do feel much healthier. So I know you want to see all of my pictures of my food, right? Right????

Purple smoothie: Strawberries, blueberries, flax seed, greek yogurt, kale.

Salad and cottage cheese.

Veggie pizza and fruit!

Green Smoothie! Spinach, pineapple, mango, greek yogurt and flax seed.

Salad and spagetti with squash, broccoli, kidney beans and mozzarella cheese.

Beans and rice, zucchini and fruit.

Tostada and cantaloupe!

Quinoa salad, strawberries and green beans.

Salad with a bunch of veggies, eggs, and chick peas. With vinaigrette.

May Days

May has been busy! The end of the school year always is. Zoe graduated from elementary school. Isabella finished Jr High and is on her way to freshman year in high school! Noah finished third grade and made it on the competition soccer team. Which apparently means soccer 24/7 around here.

There was the mini marathon for Zoe and Noah at school, Zoe took 4th place in the 6th grade. We went hiking for my birthday-it was planned to be a little hour long hike or somewhere around that. Instead we ran into this trail to Lake Blanche up Big Cottonwood Canyon that was 5.6 miles round trip. We ended up hiking for 4 1/2 hours! Almost all of it up hill. Brent and I were sore for the whole next week almost. It was a great accomplishment though.

Zoe and her friends on their way to Dare Lagoon Day.

 Zoe and her BFF at 6th grade graduation. She gave one of the speeches! We are so proud of how hard she works in school!

Zoe and teacher, Mrs Fajardo.

Arches!

We spent part of Spring Break in April at Arches National Park and Moab. It was lots of fun! We saw the Delicate Arch and went on a little Colorado River run (cold!), hiked a lot, climbed a lot of stuff and spent some time at the pool (it had a water slide, the kids' favorite part!) We even found a couple of restaurants that had gluten free dishes. Polenta lasagna, yum!

Christmas 2011

I've got a ton of pictures to catch up on so I will start with Christmas. What I remember five months later: It was a really good Christmas. I ended up sick though (I think a girl at school infected me with a dirty thermometer) I survived through the present opening and visiting family and dinner then I spent the next couple days in bed watching cheesy Hallmark Channel Christmas movies and Netflix documentaries on clean eating all the while consuming about 500 Hershey Kisses of various varieties.

I Have Perfected My Cheesecake

It's true. I used to make that jello cheesecake mix before gluten free came along. I missed cheesecake (who wouldn't?), so I started making my own. After finding some recipes on the internet and tweaking them I've got the best one down so I think I should record it here (you know, for posterity) so I don't forget what made it so good. Yes, it will have gluten free crust, of course. But if you wanted to try the recipe you could just substitute your standard graham cracker crust or whatever you like. I have to give credit to this blog.
This crust is so awesome! It's good for cheesecake, the layer bars I used to make (you know, the bars with the graham cracker crust and chocolate chips/butterscotch ships, coconut and sweetened condensed milk) and I tried it without the sugar and used it for my quiche and it turned out pretty good too. It's not a super rich, dense sort of cheesecake but it's the way I like it.

Cheesecake

Crust:
1 cup Pamela’s Gluten Free Baking Mix

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/3 cup cold butter (or Smart Balance spread like I use), cut into pieces

1/2 cup finely chopped pecans

Mix it all together and press into the pan

Cheesecake:
 3-8 oz bars of cream cheese, softened
1-8 oz bar of  neufchatel cheese ('cause it cuts the fat a wee bit)
1 cup of granulated sugar
2 egg
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon gluten free vanilla

Mix it all together well and pour in pan. I don't use a cheesecake pan because, well I don't have one. So I just use an 8x8ish glass dish.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Then, turn off the oven and leave it in there for another 45 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool for a while then refrigerate overnight. Top with whatever you like, I like cherry pie filling or just plain is good too.

*no picture right now but maybe I'll use that as an excuse to make it again so I can add a picture.

Coming Back?

I've been thinking about starting up the blog again. It's been a while since I've posted anything and an even longer while since I posted regularly. Honestly, I don't know if I have much to say right now. A quick update would be: I'm in month 8 of my medical assisting program. I regularly let people stick needles in my arm just for the heck of it. I hope soon to stick needles in their arms just for the heck of it. I should be there soon. Just have to memorize the order, color and purpose of the blood tubes and twenty other quick and easy steps. Easy??? Last week we went to Arches National Park for the first time and stayed in Moab. I could post some pictures of that. All I can say is it was beautiful- the Delicate Arch is even more majestic in person than in photos, walking up a mountain of sand looks super strange but is actually fun, and polenta lasagna is more tasty than it sounds. I've also come to the conclusion that I have big, Mormon teeth. There, I said it. It's true. They aren't quite white enough for Mormon teeth though. Though that may be an unnatural state of whiteness.